Whatever you plan to change, one thing is certain: it is a freaking big struggle. You got a vision, you got a dream, but each and every cell in your being is set to do things in a certain way; your logic is set to tell you the opposite than your guts. So what happens when you break the pattern? What happens when you have a breakthrough and you finally take that decision that might actually change your life?
It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.
White nights and dark days.
You fight with your inner voice, you know, that voice that you have ignored for months, even years. You don’t believe in yourself and no one is there to reassure you, to tell you that you can break the record, that you can break the life that made you miserable lately. Well, the funny thing is that it is never the life itself that made you miserable, it is always something specific in your life.
For some of us, it’s a relationship that we never find the power to break. For others it is our job, you know, that job that broke our wings and our dreams of becoming something meaningful. Changing a city or a country or a continent….And, for some others it is simply breaking those sick relations we had with friends, co-workers, even family.
And there are other trillions of things and situations that we might find ourselves into which have something in common: they provoke us sickness, pain, deep chaos and unhappiness.
Before even thinking of breaking from whatever was harmful for myself, I actually thought that THAT was the only thing keeping me alive. Until I realized: it was THE thing on which I was about to willingly sign my own death certificate. Yes, it is sounds morbid, but what is morbid is also real and I will never ever forget how real it felt to be so close to the edge.
So you took the decision, you’re gonna’ break whatever needs to be broken. Again white nights and black days. You wonder if whatever you have decided is good or bad. Voices keep on talking, facts keep on telling.
Funny enough: in time and with patience, we learn that there is no “good” and no “bad”; it is just a matter of perfective and interpretation.
So… again, you took the decision, but you are not there just yet. You don’t know what you don’t know and you just stepped on unknown territory. It is unsafe and uncomfortable.
Maybe you decided to quit your job, you know, that job that provides for you and your family. Maybe you decided to “break bad“ and finally leave whatever relationship you might have in order to embark in the solo trip of your life. Or, out of nowhere, you were hit by the wanderlust, you packed your bags and bought a one-way-ticket to the other side of the world.
For f#@k sake, whatever it is, it is weird and uncomfortable, but who says big steps are confortable? By the contrary! The inner struggles are and will always be there, the voices never stop, the judgments surround you like an army and you remain alone in your decision.
And that is the breaking point…. Am I actually going to do this?!!! And if you pass this point, you already won. At the end we will only regret the things we never tried.
The post-decision questions
Between you and the rest of the world, it becomes a void that not even the dearest person from your life can fill. It is simply between you, your demons and your logic.
Am I going to listen to my inner-self and finally do whatever I feel like?
Will this hurt people? Will this leave me lonely? Will this bring me happiness? What if it doesn’t?
Is it the right decision? And what if I try a bit more to live in my mediocrity?
And what if I dream bigger, what if I dare to pursue that dream? What if I am finally going to break under the weight of my thoughts?
Will I be alone for the rest of my life after I leave him? And what if, for the rest of my life, I will watch sunsets all by myself?
Will I be able to finally see all the wonders of the world, really? When will I see my family again?
One answer for everything…..
…. which I learned in the past 10 years: things will finally settle. Whether you are in or out, whether you are still on this planet or taking a trip towards the solar system, one thing is for sure: things will settle.
People find their place and so do you.
Life moves one, and yes, sometimes is hard to look back and see your friends, your ex-es, moving on with their lives like you were never there. But time solves everything for everyone.
Your feelings of fright will disappear and the open wounds transform into old scars. The nostalgia will keep on showing now and then, but you will be in a much better place than you were before the breaking point….
Good decisions vs bad decisions
From the terrible pain of the breaking point to actually seeing the results is another road. Sometimes it takes seconds, sometimes years.
When you are in doubt, just look inside. If you are just a little happier than before, then there is no reason to look back. It was the right decision!!!
I looked back and the decisions I took always changed my life for better. And I discovered this with surprise, because my emotional intelligence is equal to a grain of mustard. But I guess this says something: at the end of the day, do bad decisions exist?!
A short personal history of big decisions
My first big decision was at 17 to refuse to study close to my home town. I intentionally went far away from everyone in order to re-start my life, after a rocky teenage period. I made a second home in Cluj-Napoca and met the most amazing people. It was the right decision.
Then I listened my heart and against all the mistrust I already accumulated by the age of 22, I decided to trust a total stranger. It proved to be the most amazing man. It was the right decision.
At 23 I left my well-paid job to work on pennies for an NGO. It turned out to be the most rewarding job I ever had. It was the right decision.
At 24, without a clear plan and without a job, I moved to Brussels. In few months, my career exploded to another level. It was the right decision.
Art 27, I got married. It was the right decision. Then, we decided to get divorced. That too was the right decision.
And the story continues….
To end in a personal note, my big decisions’ process came back into my mind when facing yet another one. Obviously :).